Today I Cried

cryingMonday started off rough with the discovery that a long-time, trusted employee was…well let’s just say not so trustworthy. As I worked through that situation with the banks, insurance company, and police, I was relatively sure this week could not get any worse.

Until this morning.

As the news broke about the slaughter in Newtown, Connecticut, I sat dumbfounded. In the truest sense of the word, this was “unbelievable” to me. All of the usual questions came to mind. How could this happen? Why would anyone do such a thing? Is this a dream?

And then I began to wonder how the people more directly affected were feeling and coping. Let’s not kid ourselves, we are all directly affected. I could not imagine the pain and suffering. I could not imagine the emptiness felt by the entire Newtown community. And I felt helpless. I wanted to hug one of those children, to put an arm around one of the parents. But I couldn’t. I was helpless, here in Maryland, watching it unfold on a screen like some really bad horror movie.

I texted all of my kids, breaking the school rules, just to tell them I loved them. They thought I was weird–I’ll take it. When I picked up my daughter from school, I passed several school buses full of happy smiling children and could not help but think of the empty school bus in Newtown. I cried.

Tonight at the grocery store, the happy Christmas music was playing and the staff was cheery and helpful. I slogged through the aisles, unable to get the images out of my head. I cried.

Now, here I am trying to assimilate all of this and put my thoughts on “paper”, and I cried.

This is not something that will leave me any time soon. By some freak of nature, timing, or grace of God, it wasn’t my children. I mourn for those in Connecticut, but I hugged mine a little tighter today. The Christmas spirit is gone for me. I am in a real funk over this and the sadness that is inside me is hard to describe. Yes, at some point, I will move on. I always do.

But for now…for tonight…for this week…for this season of so-called celebration, I simply cry.

God Bless and watch over the victims, their families, and their friends.

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